when he spreads as he squeezes
Last night.. I wanted to talk to you alone and in private about our communication. I didn’t get to because of poker and Charlie but I’m not going to wait two weeks before I get a chance to say it cause it might get worse. I love conversations with you. Yes, I know you work and yes, I know you have to be up early. But you used to talk to me a lot anyways when we first started talking. I don’t know if it was because I was “New” to you, but you should still be able to talk to me about anything now. I’m not “old news”. There’s plenty of things you don’t know about me, likewise for you. I just feel like our communication is being cut short. We have date night, amazing time. And then the rest of the week is squat. You don’t even tell me good morning or ask about my day anymore. You say you care about me. And you want long term… it doesn’t kill to ask..I want to feel like are continuing to care. I don’t want to feel like I’m being taken for granted. I try hard to make you happy, God you know I love you. But I don’t want to feel like I’ll be used. I don’t want to feel like Mondays are the only days you’ll care about me and engage me. Don’t think this is coming out of no where. It’s things I’ve noticed over time and it differs from the positives you used to do… well.. the silence is deafening. You know me… you know I’m intelligent and able to love and give love beyond my means. Showing me love and acts of love in person is nice, babe. But you have to carry that on even when we don’t see each other. Now I’m not asking for 100% attention threw out the day. That would drive you and me nuts. Just.. little acts would be nice. You would tell me “goodnight, Beautiful” or tell me good morning. I get nothing like that from you anymore and it kind of hurts my feelings cause I try and continue to do it with you, hoping my message sends positivity at the start or end of your night. Don’t think it’s so girlish.
You used to do it. Another thing is, I don’t like this push and pull that I’m feeling. You’ll be close to me one day and totally distant the next. I know you are a thinker. You have plenty of time in the day to think and sort things out. I know there’s tons of things you’ve already thought about me. Some good and bad, but before you happen to think on all the bad, remember the good I do and would be willing to do for you in a heart beat. I love you unconditionally. I accept you as you are, but that doesn’t mean the nice and meaningful things should dwindle away over time. I’m also aware you have a life. You like to hang out with the guys and do whatever it is that Michael does. I really don’t mind. Just remember one thing. You are in a relationship. You can claim you have experience on me when it comes to things like this, but yet… I feel like no one ever had the guts to tell you how it makes them feel because your regular response is “I don’t care, that’s who I am” well… be who you are, don’t be an ass about it with your partner. I DO NOT want to change you. Changing vs learning and growing are totally different things. You have to learn me as I learn you. I will accommodate with whatever you have. But be the same way with me, if not.. that’s not being 50/50. That’s “I’m going to get what I want, don’t like it? There’s the door” you really can’t do that. Don’t fight me on that because you know I’m right. Marriage is certainly not like that and neither are relationships. Relationships are just one knoch below marriage. All it takes is a ring, a paper and a union before God. All of which I value highly.
You are allowed to have a bond with me. Physical? No. Intimate? No. But we do. You know we do and you can’t deny that as much as you would like to try and why? Because even when we try and stop .. we can’t. You are literally the electricity that runs threw my skin. The reason my heart beats so fast, why my soul rings and sends me crawling to you. I know you’ve felt what I’ve felt. Does that mean because we’ve already done things that our relationship is tainted? No. You know, sometimes not everyone goes by the book on certain things. Should we? Yes. Of course. But not everyone makes it, does God punish them? No. Because he forgives and even if the act continues to pursue… it’s because it’s an act of love. Not lust. Those are things I know he forgives. Every act with you is one of love. Should we try and wait? Yes, but if we can’t, that doesn’t mean we can’t be together because this is an act made by both. Not just one. A lot of people who are Christians probably didn’t go by the book yet they still got married and had kids and went to church and were together till they were buried in the dirt. That’s not being a heathen if you repent and strive to at least try and make up for it, but you never can. Your sin is already forgiven and the best thing you can do is continue to try and live under the word. That’s all he commands you to do. Try. He knows we’ll mess up before we know it. But I’d rather mess up and know I’m going to be forgiven than to abandon him altogether. You don’t have to leave the person you comitted a sin with.. just grow and know you both will do better. An act of love is more forgiven than an act of sinful lust…Because physically? I know you want me, we display that enough. Emotionally? I know you want to show me and when you get around to doing it, you back off. You are allowed to have an emotional bond with me, a mental bond. You can have those, stop being afraid to open up and let me in… you know deep inside you want to. You know past my age, my body figure, you see who I am and what I’d do for you and how loyal and faithful and trusting I’d always be for you. You know this. You know it very well. Michael you see me. Because I see the way you will look at me sometimes and just stare into my eyes because I feel you in a deeper connection that no one else ever gets to. When I tell you… you are mine. I’m not trying to claim you over God… I’d never do that. When I say you are mine, it’s because you have left a huge impact on me and I get possessive in a healthy way and I want you to know your heart, everything is safe and guarded with me. I’ll never promise I won’t hurt you, because in some way or another I will. But I can go ahead and tell you it will never be because of cheating or lies. You’ll hurt me too. And I know in my heart that it won’t be because of cheating and lies. But for now… these are things I really want you to see… to know that just because I talk to you about serious things that pertain to our relationship, they shouldn’t be one ear and out the other.
If you are going to be with me, understand I’m not about to be treated like an inexperienced child. We are on the same boat, going the same pace and place when it comes to US. The first step was admitting we care for each other. Both of which we never denied. You would have never let us do anything we did if you didn’t care about me. You know that because you’ve even admitted I had you on that one. The next step… realize you can be open to me, that love and romance isn’t dead and it doesn’t kill to be romantic with your lady and keep the communications strong. It shows you care and that the other person is important to you and not just there when it suits your needs. I’ll submit to you. But I won’t take any shit from you. <3
Just understand where I come from and yes, I expect you to respond. I don’t want this to turn into a “well if you won’t blah blah, I guess we’ll have to break it off” no. This is a “here’s a problem. Let’s discuss it. Solve it” because this can be solved. And I highly doubt breaking it off would be the answer. I know you don’t want to do that, because I know you care about me and see something there with me despite you trying to think otherwise. So please forgive the novel… but be serious with me. You want long term with me like you said, right? I want it too. And remember out of all of this.
I love you.